Why is it so hard to be honest?

Truth is, I’m not doing so well.  I’ve been having a hard time just being honest with myself.  And I’ve come to realize that the truth hurts. 

My truth.

I have one more semester left of my college career, but I’ve never been so disappointed.  Disappointed that I should have done things different & worked harder, but the truth is, I had been spoiled.  I had created this alternate reality in my own mind without even realizing it.  I was just hoping things would fall into place, come my way, if I went towards the right direction, thought about it hard enough, met the right people, then it would be OK.  It would work out.

I always heard people talking about having to work hard & fighting for what you want.  That if you set goals, and wanted them badly enough, then you would accomplish it.  No pain no gain, right? 

The truth is, that I’ve been too afraid to really try things on my own, to work towards my goals, to get my hands dirty.  But now, all I seem to be trying to do, is get the kind of things I didn’t get growing up; friends, fun, adventures, relationships, etc.  I’ve been trying so hard to fix what I didn’t have as a child, that I haven’t focused at all on the present, on making sure that I don’t have to go back and face the problems I’m creating now. 

I know that I should have studied harder for that test, or started that paper earlier, but I didn’t.  I didn’t because I wanted to spend time with people that I have believed to be my friends.  Friends that I’ve never really had in the past. 

But the past always comes back to haunt you…at least that’s what its felt like.

I feel like I’m on the back-burner among my “friends”; now more than ever.  At least when I was a kid, I didn’t get hurt or feel neglected by the friends I didn’t have.  There is only one person that I trust enough because I know I am though of.  I know that if either one of us is bored, we can hang out and be bored together, and it’s OK.  As for the others, it seems that I only matter when it’s necessary. 

Mad at a best friend?  No one else in your phonebook to hang out with?  Everyone else gone for the summer?  That’s ok, I guess Pauline is around.  Let’s text her and invite her over.  Oh wait, she doesn’t get free text, so I guess we can’t ask her to hang out.

Yep.  That text thing?  True story.  I haven’t gotten told about times when all my friends have hung out together, or made plans together, because I don’t get free text.  I’ve always seemed to find out througha third party.  I guess texting is the only form of communication nowadays.  Internet is too much of a hassle, and cell phones, well, they’re too old school.  Who uses cell phones to make phone calls anyway? 

I hate having to try to be the one that fights for having friends around.  I especially hate having to ask around and invite myself.  I was raised to never invite myself over if I hadn’t been invited in the first place.  It’s just rude.  Besides, if they really want you there they’ll invite you…right?

And it’s never about how I’m really feeling, doesn’t matter if I’ve been feeling like shit for more than a week now and can’t even walk to my kitchen without feeling like I’m going to collapse.

Sorry, I’m getting a little off topic now…point is, I’m having a hard time knowing who I can trust and who I can be honest with.  There are so many things I wish I could just get off my chest; too many feelings I’ve been holding back my entire life and I’m tired of waiting for someone I can just spill my guts out to.

I’m just longing for what everyone else longs for: to be loved unconditionaly. 

I know God has his plans for me.  He has his own timing, and He is NEVER late.  I’ll never understand it, but I’m trying to learn how to just let it be.

Let it be. 

Let Him be.

Life’s a bitch, isn’t it?  But my only prayer is that I can just let HIM be.  So please, if you happen to remember at any time, just pray for me.  I know I’m not alone in this.  I just want to be able to stop trying to fix my past, and work on the present, towards my future. 

Ok, I think I can finally go to bed now.  Good night, and thanks for reading.


~ by Chile on 31. August. 2008.

2 Responses to “Honesty”

  1. Hey Pauline –

    I just wanted to share with you that I’ve been feeling a lot of the same feelings, and been a bit depressed. Then i realized that I really had been ignoring God. Up until 2 days ago, I didn’t read the bible, worship, or even think about him. For about a month. I was depressed and didn’t know why. I am such an idiot sometimes. I got a wakeup call and renewed my relationship with God, I’m trying to involve him in every day….and things have gotten so much better. Little things don’t matter so much anymore. I know its cliche, but when friends let you down your relationship with the Lord can sustain you and bring you joy. its amazing….I am just rediscovering it. I can’t believe how faithful he is to me even when I’m in a hole and ignoring him. I’m not saying you’re doing that, you probably aren’t, but I wanted to share what I’ve been going through the past couple of days with you. Anyway I know I’m not there so I can’t really be there for you, but I hope I can send you my love from far away! And I hope you can escape your parents for a weekend or 3 in Lake Arrowhead during Christmas break this year cause I miss you. I love you and I will be praying for you!!!

  2. Thanks Andrea. I didn’t realize you had commented on this. But I really do appreciate it. I miss you a lot and I can’t wait till you come back. Thanks for this encouragement.

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