Growing Up

Why is it that I didn’t having any pressure for growing up, but now that I actually want to try, I’m not “worthy” enough.  I’m so frustrated right now.  I am not trying to blame anything on my parents, they have every right to say what they do…and I see their point.  When I’m at home, I don’t really do much.  I’ll practice a bit, attempt to do some chores, but other than that, there is nothing.  I get really bored and I become VERY unproductive.  Then I go to work, I get stuff done…but it’s still boring as heck, considering I basically work in a closet, with no windows.  But its not until the time after I get off work, after all my friends get off of work, that I really enjoy my life, my summer.  So of course I get home late.  You might think, “late, ok so 1-2am or so?”  No no.  Late at my house is past 10, and I have been getting home at 11, 11:30.  If I get home anylater, my parents won’t sleep, plus my mom’s rat of a dog will wake them up anyway as soon as I pull into the drive way. 

I love my parents; they’re great and I’m very grateful…don’t get me wrong…but I don’t think I should have to be affraid to ask for permission for wanting to do, well…pretty much anything I want.  I really want to drive up to Chico in two weekends with Jeffe to visit Kelsey…but I’m scared of getting yelled at for even thinking of such a possiblity, especially since it’s my sister’s birthday that Sunday.  I finally got the courage to ask if I could just live at my apartment (secretly of course, since I’m not on contract until the fall), and I got yelled at.  My mom went off on why I should have to live anywhere else if I already have a home with them.  Is it because I don’t like being with them?  And the only reason I don’t wann live at home is so that I can go be permiscuous, go out every night, and do whatever the hell I want.  I tell them what I’m doing when I’m with friends.  We watch movies, we go to dinner (in/out…either way), we go swimming, we go to the beach.  Yeah, I know, how rebelious right?  But all they think is that I’m making up stupid excuses so that I don’t have to go home.  No.  I’m trying to be a college student.  I’m trying to figure out who I am.  I’m trying to be an adult.  But how can I if they won’t let me?  My mom asked me why I couldn’t just stay home some days, and I told her the truth and said it was because there’s nothing for me to do here.  She responded by saying that theres a lot I could do; I could clean up the house.  Cause that’s how I should be spending my summers…cleaning up after my parents.  She also got mad because all my boxes are in the middle of my room…granted, I don’t blame her for getting mad about that.  I’m mad at myself about that too, but that’s a whole other story.  Basically though, everything that I do seems unreasonable and unworthy.  I can’t even being to THINK about what will happen when I ask them if I can go camping…two different weekends. 

I hate that I’m so affraid of talking to my parents.  It shouldn’t be like this…but anything that I seem to ask them is out of the question and just arguing and having to succumb to basically being told off on how unworthy I am of anything…and how ungrateful I am too.  I try.  I really do.  But how far can I get if I feel like I’m being set up for failure anyway?  If I’m not given the chance to be responsible?  To be an adult & learn things the hard way?  I’ve learned a lot the hard way already, but things haven’t changed really.  (That’s a whole other story as well)

I’m tired.  I’m tired of having tried so hard, but not being enough.  Of having to be like someone else I’m not.  I don’t know who I am yet…but I’d like to try and figure that out on my own sometime and not be held back by anyone/anything.  I’m also tired of having to cry myself to sleep because I feel like I’ve failed my parents yet again…and that I don’t have anything to show for myself.

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~ by Chile on 11. June. 2008.

4 Responses to “Growing Up”

  1. Hey,
    This is a really well-written blog and i really admire your honesty and fragility in this particular writing.

    I’m actually currently going through the same sort of thing – a struggle to come to terms with the fact that my life is nothing like i though it would be at this point in time and trying to let my parents believe that i’m actually not the rebellious-mentally-unstable teenager they “dont understand”.

    Anyway, sorry to offload my burdens on you..But i just came across your blog and found it extremely interesting and felt i could relate..alot!

    I hope mine get a bit better, like yours, as time goes on.

    Thank you =)
    the stranger..Caitlin.

  2. Well thank you. I think I should clarify though that I’m 23 and about to graduate from college…so it probably changes a few things some way or another. But I see the point you’re trying to make and how you can relate to my post.

  3. Hey Pauline – just wanted you to know that I am reading your blog and praying for you. I’ll keep it on my favorites list so I can click on it anytime. Its great to know exactly how I can pray for you. I understand your frustration, and think that it is perfectly understandable. It really is time for your parents to back off and let go, despite their misplaced fears. There is only so much a parent can do – if you haven’t learned it yet, when will you. It is time for you to be able to live your own life without them telling you that you can’t do simple things because they don’t trust you. You are an adult – I’ve seen your maturity and responsibility firsthand. It is not your fault that they can’t see you that way yet. I really hope they back off soon, because I understand the balance you’re trying to achieve of living your own life and still trying to respect them and not alienate yourself from then. This is really hard – I know its gotta be. I am praying for you and your whole family. And I love you!

  4. Thanks Andrea. I really appreciate it. I love you too!

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